LOS ANGELES—The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has found itself in an unprecedented pickle amidst the catastrophic California wildfires. The agency, known for its swift, non-partisan response to disasters, is reportedly unsure which victims to help because all political lawn signs in the affected areas have been incinerated.

“FEMA workers are trained to identify political affiliations at a glance,” confessed a visibly flustered FEMA spokesperson, Tiffany Tape, at an impromptu press conference outside what used to be a polling station. “Without those signs, we’re like kids at a candy store with no labels – we just don’t know who to give the goodies to.”

The wildfires, which have ravaged neighborhoods from Malibu to Modesto, have not only left a path of destruction but have also obliterated the one clear indicator of which homeowners might have voted for which party. This has led to an unusual debate within FEMA’s ranks about how to proceed with aid distribution.

“We’ve always had a sort of… informal policy,” Tape continued, “where we might expedite aid to areas where the political signs were more favorable to, let’s say, the current administration’s color palette. But now, it’s all just shades of black and gray.”

In a move that has left both residents and social media in stitches (or tears, depending on one’s perspective), FEMA has proposed several innovative solutions. One includes issuing “political loyalty cards” to homeowners, which would require them to prove their voting history before receiving aid. Another absurd suggestion was to use drones equipped with AI to analyze the remnants of homes for any political memorabilia that might have survived the blaze.

Local residents have responded with a mix of humor and frustration. “I guess if I knew my ‘Biden-Harris’ sign would determine my eligibility for disaster relief, I would’ve made it out of fireproof material,” said one homeowner, whose house was now a scenic overlook of ash.

Political commentators have had a field day, with one noting, “This might be the first time in history that wildfires have directly impacted political strategy. Maybe FEMA should just focus on human suffering rather than political scoring?”

In response, FEMA has hastily organized “Political Affiliation Day,” where survivors can come to makeshift centers to declare their political leanings before receiving aid. “We’re setting up stations for Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and even a ‘Confused by Politics’ tent for those who just want help,” Tape announced, apparently missing the irony of the situation.

Environmental groups, meanwhile, have suggested that FEMA use this opportunity to pivot towards a non-partisan, needs-based aid distribution model. “Perhaps this is nature’s way of telling us to get our priorities straight – help people, not parties,” said one activist, speaking from atop a still-smoldering pile of what used to be political signs.

As California continues to battle the flames, one can only hope that FEMA will find its way out of this satirical conundrum. Until then, residents might want to start rebuilding their homes with a political sign foundation, just in case.

About Author