Source of coronavirus now confirmed to be John Bolton’s moustache

The CDC, after sending hundreds of its own investigators to China, has finally uncovered the so-called Index Case and source of the novel coronavirus now plaguing China and the world. John Boltons’ recent trip to Wuhan China was the first clue that sent the CDC to visit him in his massive underground bunker outside the NORAD complex in Colorado.

On first blush, he seemed to be in good health but upon further investigation, after constant mumbling about Trump and how his call was ‘perfect’, suspicions were raised. After attempting to extract moustache samples necessitating heavy equipment, wire cutters along with explosive charges, a few hairs were loosed for evaluation. The hairs were placed between the first few pages of his new book which caused the book to emit ‘fires from hell’, melting over a dozen investigators.

After repeated attempts to extricate a few more moustache hairs, several more were finally extracted, placed immediately on a Boeing 737 Max, which unfortunately crashed immediately upon takeoff after the pilots were heard screaming, “The hairs, The hairs” then silence……..

Eventually, having so many untoward events related to the moustache, the CDC was forced to dispatch their Mobile Viral Pandemic Van to Bolton’s underground bunker located several miles below ground. There, in full Pandemic bodysuits, each supplied with its own oxygen supply, Bolton’s sanctuary was breached. Still mumbling about his new book and how he still had the nuclear codes in his ‘other pants’, now at the cleaners, the CDC team noticed several ‘boogers’ extruding from his right nostril. Just before attempting to blow his nose, an astute ninja CDC member did several acrobatic somersaults with a specimen cup catching the very last booger before hitting the floor.

The rest, as they say, is history………….


"Excuse me, has this joke been fact-checked?"

Bypass Zuck and his minions and receive hilarious "unauthorized" satire to your inbox, every day.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.