Secret Service Says They May Never Know Who Assassinated Abraham Lincoln
WASHINGTON, DC—The Secret Service closed another chapter today when it solved the mystery of the bottle of diet coke that was found in the White House. But the Secret Service did admit, however, that we may still never know who assassinated Abraham Lincoln.
“We may simply never know who was responsible for Lincoln’s assassination,” a Secret Service spokesman said. “Since he was shot in a theater, it’s possible any of the attendees present could have been Lincoln’s assassin. Without any solid proof, we simply can’t say who’s responsible.”
President Joe Biden put out a statement of his own on the matter, stating in part, “I had nothing to do with Lincoln’s death. In fact, I have a solid alibi because at the time of his death me and Hunter were in China discussing our latest business ventures and investments, so there’s no way I could have killed Lincoln.”
At publishing time, the Secret Service was exploring the possibility that Trump may have had something to do with Lincoln’s assassination, but as of now, they didn’t have any evidence supporting that claim.
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