A new study was published recently showing a strong relationship between wearing a mask during athletics and not being able to breath. The study comes off the heels of a high school athlete at Summit High School in Bend, Oregon who collapsed at the finish line, after being forced to wear a mask during the race.

“The results of our study took us by surprise,” Dr. Leon Guzman said, who conducted the study. “We always assumed that a mask never constricted a person’s breathing in any way. We concluded, therefore, that athletes were perfectly safe wearing a mask, and there wasn’t anything to worry about. Now we’ve realized through further analysis that masks do indeed constrict a person’s breathing.”

To address the incident at Summit High School, health experts are revising their guidelines. They now recommend that running athletes only wear half a mask instead of a whole one. If they can’t wear that, they should hold their breath for 10 seconds every 10 minutes so they reduce the risk of spreading COVID-19 to other athletes. And if they can’t even do that, they should just wear a hazmat suit during the race instead.

Because science.

About Author

Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

If you’d like to support my daily satirical outbursts, donations are always welcome by clicking here.

See author's posts