WASHINGTON, DC—The Biden Administration announced plans this week to halt climate change by blocking out the sun, and SuperPAC Vampires for an Inclusive Climate (VIC) is hailing it as an important step, not only for sustainability but for equality. In fact, according to the latest Rasmussen Poll, Biden’s favorability among vampires stands at 98%, just under his 99% favorability among dead people.
Spokesperson, Vladmir Tepes, who is also president of the Global Initiative of Vampiric Ecologists (GIVE), welcomed the announcement of a five-year research plan to be coordinated by the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy (OTSP), which included in its forward-thinking agenda to combat climate change, a research initiative into the possibility of mimicking the eruption of a supervolcano or a nuclear winter event by spewing billions of tons of microparticulate into to stratosphere to reflect the rays of the sun back into space. “I can think of no more inclusive policy than this one,” said Tepes. “For centuries, vampires have been marginalized in the Christian West for how we eat and sleep. This new initiative is the first we’ve ever seen to address the climate crisis in terms favorable to Vampires.”
Contrary to popular misconceptions, vampires can tolerate some sunlight. They just can’t tolerate direct sunlight, as one experiences on a clear day. Recent studies confirm vampirologist’s long-time hypothesis that vampires can walk around freely under heavily-filtered sunlight, blocking out critical sub-frequencies within both the ultraviolet and infrared bands. Ordinary cloud cover does not achieve this sort of protection for vampires, which is why we do not encounter them outdoors during the daylight hours, even on heavily overcast days, even if they happen to be awake for some of that time.
Scientists at the OTSP confirm that they did, indeed, include the proposal to plunge the world into perpetual darkness out of concern for diversity and inclusion, stating that, “By dimming the light from the sun, we can ensure a truly inclusive environment.”
Critics note, however, that vampires feed on human blood, so causing what amounts to a nuclear winter may leave ordinary humans vulnerable to exsanguination as they go about their daily activities. One man, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Look, I don’t care what people do in the privacy of their own homes, but I don’t want vampires walking around in public. It’s bad enough my kids have to see drag queens at school these days. Now they’re gonna have to worry about someone grabbing them at the bus stop and sucking their blood?”
We reached out to the American Federation of Teachers (AFT) for a response to the sentiments expressed by this concerned parent, and received an official statement. It read, “The American Federation of Teachers exists to serve all students, regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, disability status, or dietary habits. We find the vampiriphobic comments of this parent reprehensible, and we would remind him that students already wait for buses before the sun rises, during the winter months, and incidents of exsanguination are only 1 in 100,000 children per year. We certainly hope that all responsible news organizations will do their part to suppress this sort of hate speech and stop the spread of harmful misinformation so our friends in the vampire community can feel welcome at our schools and in our community.”
Genesius Times recently received notification from the FBI that AFT had requested they investigate this parent as a potential domestic terrorist and have ordered us to retain all documents relating to the incident should they with to subpoena them. Genesius Times has since been in consultation with our attorney’s on the matter.
Former president and presumptive 2024 Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, who totally stole the 2016 election from Hillary Clinton with the help of the Russians but went on to make false claims that current president Joe Biden stole the 2020 election with the help of the Chinese, recently made unsupported allegations that GIVE and VIC serve what he called “the global elites who see ordinary people as nothing more than serfs and sources of food.”
Speaking at a Save America Rally in Pennsylvania on Friday night, Trump said, “You know who Vlad is? I’ll tell you. He’s not a good guy. You ever hear of Dracula? That’s right. That’s right. That’s Vlad. Dracula. You got me? That’s who wants to blot out the sun.” He went on to say, “an 800-year-old billionaire Romanian count with ties to an 800-year-old Hungarian billionaire hedge fund manager, George Soros . . . you know George . . . should be kept far away from the climate. Far away. Don’t let ’em anywhere near it. It’s terrible what’s happening. Terrible.”
If Republicans take control of Congress in 2022, Biden’s initiative is likely to face a setback, with the whole MAGA wing of the party voicing unanimous opposition to vampire rights. Democrats remain hopeful, however, that, with a strong enough coalition of sexual deviants, human traffickers, drug lords, entertainers, journalists, government bureaucrats, tech industry professionals, satanists, and dead people, they could get out the votes they need to hold on to Congress and extinguish the light of the sun for the next thousand years.