The environment was intense as 16 year old Greta Thunberg yelled recycled platitudes at a room full of adults who fully agreed with her. “The world’s gonna end!” “Your love for carbon did this to us!” “We have to sterilize ourselves now!”

But Genesius Times has been on the forefront of reporting on Greta Thunberg, and we have uncovered a bombshell of epic proportions. Thunberg is the lovechild child of super serious science guy Bill Nye! Yes, not only was Greta raised on Bill Nye, drinking his alarmist propaganda like syrup from a maple tree, she was actually raised by ol’ Billdo.

It all started when Bill visited Sweden in the early aughts and first experienced the majesty of IKEA. It was love at first sight as they say, Bill couldn’t stop thinking about this lovely, yet affordable furniture store. He made love to that wonderful IKEA on every floor, and to his surprise he sired a little Greta nine months later.

Nobody knew IKEAs could have babies, but now we do. Bill Nye took the opportunity as a father to run a science experiment of sorts by feeding Greta nothing but fictional nonsense cloaked in scientific vernacular for 16 whole years and then unleashed out into the world.

The UN is still reeling from her devastating truth bombs.

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Earnest O'Connor

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