US—Thomas Matthew Crooks, the man accused of attempting to assassinate former President Donald Trump, has found an unlikely second career as the headliner for the “White Dudes for Harris” Zoom conference from his room in Hell.

The conference, aimed at bolstering support for Vice President Kamala Harris among the traditionally hard-to-reach demographic of disaffected white men, kicked off with a series of awkward speeches, technical difficulties, and the unmistakable scent of desperation emanating through the screen.

Crooks, currently serving his sentence in the fiery pits of Hell, took the virtual stage to thousands of emoji applause. Appearing on camera in a Harris 2024 t-shirt and visibly nervous, he began his speech with an attempt at humor that fell flat: “Well, I guess you could say I’ve taken a shot at making a difference before!”

The virtual audience, consisting of about 37 participants, mostly journalists looking for a story, shifted uncomfortably in their digital seats. Crooks went on to praise Harris for her “courage” and “unwavering commitment to… something,” his voice trailing off as he appeared to lose track of his notes.

The Zoom conference, which made news as 100,000 of its participants donated their testicles to the Harris campaign, was expected to be a huge windfall for the Harris campaign. Instead, attendees were treated to a series of lackluster endorsements from men who seemed barely aware of where they were or why they were there.

“I just joined for the free snacks,” admitted one attendee, who refused to give his name. “But even those were disappointing. They ran out of virtual cheese puffs in the first hour.”

The highlight of the event was supposed to be a keynote speech by a prominent Democratic strategist, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a “scheduling conflict” with his couch. Instead, the audience was subjected to a rambling monologue by a local comedian who tried—and failed—to connect Harris’s policy positions with classic rock lyrics.

In a desperate bid to salvage the event, organizers announced an impromptu Q&A session with Crooks. However, this quickly devolved into chaos as attendees bombarded him with questions about his legal troubles rather than his political insights.

“How do you plan to vote from Hell?” shouted one particularly vocal participant.

Another respondent stated, “A majority of Democratic voters vote from Hell, so this is no different.”

As the event mercifully came to a close, it became clear that the “White Dudes for Harris” Zoom conference had achieved little beyond providing a bizarre footnote in the annals of political history. Attendees logged off, their expressions a mix of confusion and disappointment, as organizers vowed to “do better next time.”

Vice President Harris, when asked for comment, issued a brief statement through a spokesperson: “While we appreciate the enthusiasm, this particular event does not reflect the core values or strategies of our campaign. We remain focused on reaching all Americans through more traditional and effective means.”

In the end, the “White Dudes for Harris” Zoom conference may be remembered not for its political impact, but as a cautionary tale of what happens when good intentions meet bad execution—literally in Hell.

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