BREAKING: Washington Commanders Win Via Mail-in Touchdowns

PHILADELPHIA—The Washington Commanders emerged victorious over the Philadelphia Eagles despite not physically attending the game. Washington won using their new mail-in touchdown point system.

As their opponents scored points on the field against their physically absent opponent, the Commanders revealed more boxes of mail-in touchdowns, keeping the score close. The formerly undefeated Eagles were announced the winners until additional boxes were miraculously found after regulation game time.

Owner Dan Snyder approved the new system because it allows players to stay safe in their homes and protect democracy.

“Counting mail-in touchdowns after the game ends is normal,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Nothing unusual here in our first-world football league.”

The Commanders are expected to maintain a winning streak until mail-in touchdowns are eliminated. Regardless, fans of other teams can expect management to do nothing but complain about the problem and sell merchandise.


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