Effective immediately, Washington will call itself the __________ _______s so as not to offend anyone.

“We had a few ideas bouncing around,” team owner Dan Snyder said in an exclusive interview with Genesius Times inclusivity editor. “We were thinking Washington Rednecks or Thinskins, but those were too politically hot, and we had people say that the name Washington was problematic, because he owned slaves.

“We just said the hell with it and we went with the blankety blanks. Now if you’re offended by our name you can kiss my ass,” Snyder said.

The team will continue the process of retiring the former name and hopes to be entirely rid of it on physical and digital spaces in the next 50 days, by the Sept. 13 regular-season opener against the Philadelphia Eagles, who is considering changing their name after protests by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which wants all sports teams using animal mascots without their permission to cease and desist.

Snyder had, for years, resisted changing the name; he told USA Today in 2013 to “put it in all caps” that he would never make such a move. Some who worked for Snyder said they believed then that he would rather sell the team than use a new name.

But this is 2020 and everyone is kowtowing to illogical social justice warriors. Snyder said that he would be changing his name to John Doe.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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