Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky announced Tuesday that he plans to read Donald Trump’s 1987 business manifesto, The Art of the Deal, before his next visit to the White House. The move, according to Zelensky, is a desperate bid to “maybe, possibly, finally figure out how to negotiate when I have literally nothing to bargain with.”

“Yes, I think it would help me negotiate, since I have no leverage currently,” Zelensky said during a press conference, his voice tinged with the kind of weary resignation usually reserved for parents explaining why the family goldfish is floating belly-up. “I hear this book is… how you say… bigly helpful? Perhaps I learn to make deals great again.”

The announcement comes after months of tense back-and-forth between Ukraine and the United States, with Zelensky reportedly feeling like a contestant on a geopolitical version of The Apprentice, except without the cushy boardroom or the promise of a fake VP title at the end. Sources close to the Ukrainian leader say he’s been spotted scribbling notes in the margins of a dog-eared copy of the book, muttering phrases like “fire fast, hire slow” and “always oversell the condo” under his breath while sipping borscht late into the night.

Zelensky’s advisors, apparently tired of watching their boss flail like a fish on dry land during meetings with Trump, have also suggested a radical new strategy: wearing a suit. “We think it might help him look more… serious,” whispered one unnamed aide, nervously adjusting his own tie as if the mere act might summon the spirit of Wall Street circa 1985. “Maybe if he shows up in a nice three-piece, President Trump will think he’s a real estate mogul and not just a guy begging for Javelins.”

The sartorial overhaul has reportedly sparked heated debates within Zelensky’s inner circle. While some argue for a classic navy pinstripe—“It says ‘I’m here to close’ without saying too much,” one advisor insisted—others are pushing for a bolder red tie, citing Trump’s own fondness for the hue as a potential psychological advantage. “If we match his energy, maybe he’ll think we’re on the same team,” another aide speculated, clutching a mood board of power suits like it was a lifeline.

Meanwhile, Trump has reportedly responded to the news with characteristic restraint, tweeting at 3 a.m.: “Little Z says he’s reading my book—great! Best book ever! But he better not try any funny stuff. I wrote the art of the deal, not the art of the steal! Sad!” The tweet was followed by a string of fire emojis and a cryptic GIF of a golden retriever wearing a MAGA hat, leaving the internet to speculate wildly about its deeper meaning.

Political pundits, for their part, are divided on whether Zelensky’s crash course in Trumpian dealmaking will yield results. “On one hand, it’s a bold move to try and speak Trump’s language,” said one Washington insider, speaking on condition of anonymity because they didn’t want to be seen as endorsing either party’s wardrobe choices. “On the other hand, Zelensky might be better off just showing up with a Big Mac and a smile—Trump seems to respond better to fast food than flattery these days.”

As Zelensky prepares for his next trip across the Atlantic, armed with a freshly pressed suit and a book that promises to teach him how to “win bigly,” the world watches with bated breath. Will he emerge from the White House with a deal that saves Ukraine’s bacon? Or will he simply leave with a signed copy of The Art of the Deal and a vague promise to “talk later”? Only time—and perhaps a well-timed handshake—will tell.

In the meantime, Zelensky has reportedly added another item to his pre-meeting checklist: practicing his squint. “I see the way he looks at people,” the Ukrainian leader mumbled to reporters, narrowing his eyes experimentally. “Very intimidating. Like a man who knows where all the best golf courses are. I must learn this.”

About Author