WNBA Players Agree to Historic Pay Increase, To Be Paid in Oversized Bendy Dildos
NEW YORK—The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) has announced a groundbreaking pay increase for its players, to be distributed exclusively...
Year: 2025
BREAKING: Robert Mueller Surges in 2028 Democratic Polls After Admitting He Has Dementia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a plot twist that has left political pundits checking their calendars for April Fools’ Day, former...
BREAKING: Texas Democratic Legislators Flee to Las Vegas to Protest Gambling in Texas
LAS VEGAS—In a dazzling display of principled acrobatics, Texas Democratic state legislators have once again abandoned the dusty halls of...
BREAKING: Bondi Promises to Make Up for Not Arresting Epstein Clients by Not Arresting Anyone Involved in Russiagate
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi announced today that she will make up for not arresting any of the...
EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Jerry Mander, the Ingenious Inventor of Gerrymandering
In a dusty, map-cluttered shack reeking of hubris and stale whiskey, Genesius Times nabbed an exclusive with Jerry Mander, the...
BREAKING: Sydney Sweeney issues apology for being so friggin hot
Actress Sydney Sweeney issued a formal public apology Thursday after facing widespread backlash for appearing in a recent American Eagle...
BREAKING: House Republicans Narrowly Avoid Doing Anything Before Recess
Washington, D.C. — In a close call that briefly threatened to interrupt a carefully scheduled recess, House Republicans narrowly avoided...
CBS Sees Ratings Boost After Replacing Stephen Colbert With Footage of Paint Drying
New York, NY — CBS has confirmed the dismissal of longtime Late Show host Stephen Colbert this week, citing “strategic...
BREAKING: Bondi Promises to Make Up for Not Releasing Epstein Files by Not Releasing Obama Files
Washington, D.C. — U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Monday that she plans to make amends for her failure to...
Trump Proposes Renaming NFL Commanders Back to “Redskins,” Citing Offense to Commanders-in-Chief
Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump announced Tuesday that he believes the Washington Commanders NFL team should revert to...
