Kicking off his hands-on presidential campaign, former Vice President Joe Biden is making a personal offer to all women—no matter how old—for free back rubs and hair sniffs if they vote for him.

“Bernie is offering free college, that Yang guy is offering $1000, but Uncle Joe is the only one—to my knowledge—offering free creepy back rubs and hair sniffing if you donate to him,” campaign strategist Wanda Sykes said.

This type of campaign marketing has never been tried, but with such a crowded field for the Democratic nomination, it’s likely to make a difference.

“It’ll be difficult to get to all the lonely women out there with his feelers,” Sykes said, “but Joe is up for the task. He’s had a LOT of practice, inappropriately touching several million women already!”

Biden is already claiming success in the campaign after the #IBelieveHer campaign has retired ahead of his running.

Biden joins everyone and their mother for the 2020 Democratic primary contest.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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