MINNEAPOLIS, MN—George Floyd, patron saint of fentanyl, celebrated 365 consecutive drug-free days today.

Mr. Floyd famously quit taking drugs following his arrest for allegedly paying a convenience store with a counterfeit $20 bill.  At the time, he was under the influence of multiple drugs, including a lethal level of 11 ng/mL of fentanyl in his system.

He gave up drugs for good that fateful day. Activists responded to his newfound sobriety by looting and committing arson across the country.

His previous personal record for sobriety is believed to be in 2014, when Mr. Floyd finished his most recent stint in prison. Saint George served time for Aggravated Robbery when he pointed a pointed a gun at a pregnant woman’s stomach during a home invasion.

In addition to his newfound commitment to his health and well-being, Mr. Floyd is also approaching a personal record for longest time avoiding arrest.

Congratulations George, you are an inspiration to us all. May your sobriety streak continue!

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Richie Richards

Very stable genius, Richie Richards, is a writer, illustrator and fake news journalist. Check out Bowie Bee Learns About Democracy, the latest in his Bowie Bee children’s series.

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