WASHINGTON, DC—Airline travel will be much safer with the use of the new Omicron, XXX anal swabs being utilized by the TSA in the security lines of all U.S. airports, according to America’s Doctor, Dr. Faustus.

The new federal size ‘Jumbos’ were tested in many inner city bars and restaurants in the last few months and give the results in less than thirty seconds. They have been approved for nationwide use.

Dr. Faustus personally showed TSA employees at the Miami International the special insertion and twist method approved by zoo keepers at the San Diego Elephant enclosure where comprehensive testing took place.

Air travel passengers are advised to keep an extra pair of underwear in a carry-on or on their person due to some post-test ‘seepage’ of bodily fluids.

Dr. Faustus referred to screams coming from the enclosed testing area as the “comforting sounds of security that result from voluntary compliance in a modern society.”

He revealed other technological breakthroughs in the fight against the Supervirus, ‘probably from an outer space origin’, as: ten inch syringe needles, Pfizer drug carbonated drinks available in Cherry, Lemon and Mocha, and drone eradication of UVRs or un-vaccinated ‘runners’.

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