Depressed New Yorkers look for alternative methods of suicide after gas stoves are banned starting in 2026

NEW YORK—In a blow to the depressed people of New York, the State Legislature banned gas stoves in most new buildings starting in 2026. Now those sad people will need to find other ways of ending their lives.

“It’s really sad that legislators don’t think of these sorts of things. I was depressed now, but ending it all by inhaling gas gave me a little hope. Now I’m completely hopeless,” Jan of Brooklyn said.

The ban, hailed as a victory for environmentalists, aims to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and promote cleaner energy sources. But for the average New Yorker, it means bidding farewell to a popular method of suicide.

As news of the prohibition spread, panic-buying of guns and microwaves reached unprecedented levels. Residents were spotted forming long lines outside appliance stores, desperately hoping to secure a means of suicide without resorting to primitive methods like building campfires in their kitchens.

Meanwhile, enterprising entrepreneurs saw an opportunity to capitalize on the ban by offering alternative methods of suicide. Former US Senator from New York Hillary Clinton has launched a service that specializes in suiciding people.

Despite these innovative solutions, the transition has not been without its challenges. Some New Yorkers, unaccustomed to guns, have found themselves facing a new set of dangers. Frustrated citizens have reported incidents of burnt fingers, melted utensils, and even singed eyebrows as they navigate the treacherous world of gunfire.

While the gas stove prohibition may have its critics, supporters argue that it opens up exciting possibilities for New Yorkers to explore alternative cooking methods. Some have taken up the challenge with gusto, experimenting with unconventional techniques like solar cooking, microwave gastronomy, and even harnessing the power of their own fiery passions to cook using pure willpower.

As the ban looms ever closer, New Yorkers find themselves on the cusp of a suicide revolution. Whether it’s mastering the handgun, embracing microwaves, or discovering their hidden pyromaniac tendencies, residents are determined to adapt and euthanize up a storm in the face of adversity.