In an astonishing display of international political prowess, General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, Xi Jinping, wasted no time in announcing his replacement for the late United States Senator Dianne Feinstein. In a move that has left the world both baffled and impressed, Xi Jinping has once again demonstrated his keen understanding of global politics.

Feinstein, who was recently confirmed to be a mortal human being despite persistent rumors suggesting otherwise, served as a U.S. Senator for decades. Her tenure was so lengthy that many believed she was, in fact, a timeless being who had transcended the limits of mortal existence.

Xi Jinping, recognizing the significance of this vacancy, immediately sprang into action. In a press conference that doubled as a political spectacle, he unveiled his replacement: a life-sized cardboard cutout of Feinstein.

The decision to appoint a cardboard cutout as the new U.S. Senator for California may appear perplexing at first, but experts believe it’s a brilliant move by Xi Jinping. “It’s a stroke of genius,” said one political analyst. “With this cutout in place, China can effectively control U.S. policy without even trying. It’s like having a senator who always votes in your favor, never disagrees, and never asks questions.”

Xi Jinping’s foresight didn’t stop there. He also provided the cutout with a pre-recorded audio system, allowing it to recite well-rehearsed political speeches. This ensures that the cutout can participate in Senate proceedings without ever revealing its true nature as a cardboard standee.

In a surprising twist, other world leaders have expressed admiration for Xi Jinping’s audacious move. Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly said, “I wish I’d thought of that first.” Meanwhile, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is said to be considering appointing a holographic representation of himself to the United Nations.

As for the American public, reactions have been mixed. Some citizens have applauded the move, suggesting that a cardboard cutout might bring a refreshing level of transparency to politics. Others, however, are demanding a return to traditional representation, with one voter lamenting, “We’ve had enough ‘cutout’ politicians; it’s time for real leadership.”

Only time will tell if this audacious political maneuver will yield the desired results for Xi Jinping and China. In the meantime, the world watches in fascination as a cardboard cutout takes its seat in the hallowed halls of the U.S. Senate, a symbol of the ever-evolving, and occasionally absurd, landscape of global politics.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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