Schumer demands a thorough probe of Elon Musk’s Harry Bōlz for any possible privacy violations
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has called for an immediate and thorough investigation into Elon Musk’s latest move: legally changing his name to the eyebrow-raising “Harry Bōlz.” Schumer, flanked by a cadre of concerned senators and a suspiciously large magnifying glass, held a press conference Tuesday morning to address what he called “a potential privacy apocalypse of testicular proportions.”
It’s unclear if Schumer intends to incite an erection like he did following January 6.
“I have it on good authority—well, anonymous sources, but very reliable, believe me—that Elon Musk, now legally known as Harry Bōlz, could be harvesting sensitive data from unsuspecting Americans,” Schumer declared, adjusting his glasses for dramatic effect. “We cannot allow billionaire tech moguls to invade our most private spaces. The American people deserve to know: who is Harry Bōlz, and why is he watching us?”
The Enigma of Harry Bōlz
Details about Musk’s name change remain murky, which only fueled Schumer’s alarm. Early speculation suggests “Harry Bōlz” might be a branding stunt for a new line of smart underwear, a neural-linked fitness tracker for “down there,” or simply Musk’s latest attempt to break the internet with shock value. Musk, now officially Harry Bōlz, has neither confirmed nor denied the deeper meaning behind his new moniker, instead tweeting a cryptic emoji string from his unchanged handle, @elonmusk : 🧠🍒🔋🚀.
Tech analysts, conspiracy theorists, and late-night comedians have already begun speculating. “If Harry Bōlz is what I think it is,” said tech blogger ZuckMyData69, “we’re talking about a name that could monitor everything from your Tesla mileage to your… uh, ‘personal rhythms.’ And knowing Musk—er, Bōlz—it’s probably mining crypto while you’re asleep.”
Schumer’s Call to Action
Schumer, visibly agitated, outlined a three-point plan to tackle the alleged threat. First, he demanded that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) launch a full investigation into Harry Bōlz’s data collection practices. “If he’s tracking our Tesla purchases, our SpaceX launches, or—God forbid—our browser histories, we need to know,” he said, pausing to shudder.
Second, Schumer proposed a bipartisan “Harry Bōlz Task Force” to draft legislation protecting Americans from invasive billionaire name changes. “We cannot allow Silicon Valley to turn our public figures into data farms,” he said, pounding the podium. “This is about dignity, privacy, and the right to call someone by a normal name.”
Finally, Schumer called on Musk—now Bōlz—to testify before Congress. “Mr. Bōlz, if you’re listening—and I know you are, because you’re probably tracking me right now—come clean. Why are you Harry Bōlz, and why does your new name need my Wi-Fi password?”
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