WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning medical revelation, doctors at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center announced today that a concerning nodule detected during former President Joe Biden’s routine prostate exam was, in fact, CNN anchor Jake Tapper. The discovery has left the medical community both relieved and slightly baffled.

“We were preparing for the worst,” said Dr. Wo Kayhole, Biden’s lead urologist, during a press conference outside the hospital. “A nodule can be a serious red flag, but when we reviewed the X-ray, there was Jake Tapper, clear as day, right there in the prostate. It was a huge relief to know it wasn’t cancer—just a prominent cable news personality.”

Dr. Kayhole explained that nodules are notoriously difficult to detect, but Tapper’s distinctive presence made the diagnosis straightforward. “His face was unmistakable on the imaging. The furrowed brow, the intense stare—it was like he was moderating a heated panel discussion right there in the gland.”

The surprises didn’t end there. During the same examination, doctors identified a cluster of hemorrhoids around Biden’s anus, which, upon closer inspection, turned out to be the rest of the mainstream media. “We found MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, NBC’s Lester Holt, and a few opinion columnists from The New York Times,” Kayhole noted. “They were causing some irritation, but nothing life-threatening. We’ve prescribed a topical ointment and advised the former president to avoid watching prime-time news for a while.”

The discovery has sparked a wave of speculation about how Tapper and his colleagues ended up in such an unusual location. Some medical experts theorize that prolonged exposure to cable news may have caused the media figures to manifest physically within Biden’s body. “It’s possible the former president’s steady diet of CNN and MSNBC led to this unprecedented condition,” said Dr. Sheila Probe, a specialist in media-induced ailments. “We’re calling it ‘Pundit Proliferation Syndrome.’”

Tapper, reached for comment outside CNN’s studios, appeared unfazed by the news. “I’m just glad to be out of there,” he said, adjusting his tie. “It was cramped, and the Wi-Fi was terrible. But I’m ready to get back to asking the tough questions—maybe even tougher now that I’ve seen things from the inside.”

The Biden camp has downplayed the incident, with a spokesperson stating, “The former president is in good health and spirits. He’s grateful for the excellent care at Walter Reed and looks forward to continuing his work, free of any unwanted pundits.”

Meanwhile, social media platforms, particularly X, have erupted with memes and hot takes. One viral post quipped, “If Jake Tapper’s in Biden’s prostate, who’s anchoring The Lead tonight? Wolf Blitzer’s beard?” Another user speculated, “This explains why Biden’s speeches sounded like they were scripted by a CNN panel.”

Dr. Kayhole emphasized that the prognosis is positive, though the team will monitor Biden for any lingering media presence. “We’ve cleared out Tapper and the others, but we’re keeping an eye out for any rogue correspondents. You never know when a stray pundit might pop up.”

As the nation processes this bizarre medical saga, one thing is clear: Biden’s health scare has given new meaning to the phrase “media intrusion.” For now, the former president is resting comfortably, reportedly watching reruns of The Golden Girls to avoid any further flare-ups.

About Author