WASHINGTON, DC—In a bombshell revelation that has rocked the Capitol and ignited fevered speculation, a clandestine Iranian sleeper cell has allegedly been uncovered operating within the highest echelons of the U.S. government. The accused masterminds? Representatives Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), and Ayanna Pressley—three progressive congresswomen now suspected of orchestrating terrorist plots against America. According to unnamed sources (definitely not overheard at a conspiracy theorist’s militia meetup), these members of “The Squad” are secretly working for Tehran to unleash chaos on American soil.

The evidence, as presented by a self-proclaimed whistleblower (a guy named “PatriotEagle” from a shady online forum), is supposedly ironclad. Omar, AOC, and Pressley have been caught engaging in suspicious behavior, including “speaking passionately,” “questioning U.S. foreign policy,” and “existing as outspoken women of color.” These actions, according to a 47-page manifesto circulating in certain corners of the internet, are clear signs of a sinister plot to carry out terrorist acts, ranging from vague “disruptions” to something involving a lot of explosions (details TBD).

“They’re too effective at their jobs,” whispered one anonymous congressional aide, nervously chugging an energy drink outside a Capitol Hill diner. “Have you seen AOC’s social media presence? That’s not natural charisma—that’s Persian espionage training, straight from Tehran’s playbook!” The aide further claimed that Omar’s hijab is a high-tech device used to receive coded terrorist instructions, while Pressley’s bald head is “obviously a solar panel powering her secret Iranian agenda.”

The conspiracy gained traction after reports surfaced that the trio was spotted at a D.C. falafel shop, “laughing and eating hummus like they were planning something.” Hummus, as every patriot knows, is a gateway to Middle Eastern radicalization. “I saw them sharing a plate of baba ghanoush,” said one eyewitness, who requested anonymity for fear of retaliation. “It was chilling. They didn’t even order burgers.”

The alleged sleeper cell’s plans are said to involve terrorist acts aimed at destabilizing America, though specifics remain hazy. Some theorists claim the trio intends to sabotage infrastructure by pushing progressive policies like universal healthcare, which is “clearly” a front for blowing up bridges. Others suggest their Green New Deal is a coded blueprint for turning the U.S. into a giant pistachio farm to fund Iran’s terror network. “It’s all in the name,” one blogger wrote. “Green New Deal? More like Tehran Terror Deal!”

In response, the accused representatives issued a joint statement, which only fanned the flames. “These allegations are baseless, xenophobic nonsense,” Omar declared, flanked by AOC and Pressley at a press conference. “We’re here to serve our constituents, not star in some unhinged thriller.” AOC added, “If I’m a terrorist mastermind, I’m the worst one ever, because I’m up all night debating tax policy.” Pressley, shaking her head, said, “This is what happens when you let fearmongering and bad fiction write the same script.”

Their denials have done little to calm the storm. Cable news pundits have begun speculating about what an Iranian-orchestrated terror plot in Congress might look like. “Imagine this,” one commentator intoned, waving at a poorly Photoshopped image of the Capitol with a giant Iranian flag. “No more hot dogs at the congressional barbecue. Just kebabs. And bombs.” Another warned that the sleeper cell might replace the National Anthem with “a Persian lute solo that triggers sleeper agents nationwide.”

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