Russell Brand Informs Judge ‘Those R*pes Occurred on Epstein Island;’ Charges Vacated Immediately

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epstein-island

LONDON — Russell Brand, recently convicted of sexual assault, has asked the court to set aside the verdict on the grounds that the incident took place on Jeffrey Epstein’s private island, a location he described as “evidently beyond the ordinary reach of prosecution.”

Appearing before the judge on Wednesday, Brand stated that further reflection had clarified the geography of the events. “The assault for which I stand convicted occurred, upon careful recollection, on Epstein Island,” he told the court. “As that territory has long been treated as functionally off-limits for conventional legal process, the conviction cannot properly stand.”

The judge listened without interruption. Defence counsel submitted that the island’s well-documented history of jurisdictional ambiguity rendered any offence committed there effectively non-justiciable in a British court. Prosecutors noted that the original indictment had not specified coordinates but offered no immediate rebuttal to the new claim.

After a short recess the judge observed that the defendant’s assertion introduced “a novel and previously unexamined territorial element.” The court adjourned pending further submissions on the precise legal status of the island.

Brand left the building expressing quiet satisfaction that the facts, once properly situated, had begun to resolve themselves. No amended charges have yet been filed.

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