SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom has banned the devastating wildfires wrecking havoc on the state.

“We basically saved the planet with our straw ban,” Newsom said at a press conference. “So, clearly all we need to do to continue to save the planet is to ban things.”

As a result, he’s taking executive action to ban wildfires from the state.

“We know that government bans are the only way to get rid of something, so I’m working with the legislature to ban wildfires like we did plastic straws.”

Critics say that the plan is overly optimistic.

“The wildfires don’t listen to government laws. Why do you think they call ’em wild?” Poway resident Dante Inferno asked.

“California is a light at the end of the tunnel,” Newsom added. “It’s a big fiery, destructive light, but a light none the less.”

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