OPED: Thank God California banned plastic straws finally!


California has completed the equivalent of the moon landing today. They spent $4 billion ridding this beautiful feces-strewn state of evil plastic straws.

Many will say, “Straws aren’t a big deal with a homelessness and drug epidemic crushing the spirit of the people. Why worry about straws now? Look at this dump?”

But people said why climb Mount Everest, and yet Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton did it anyway. And people ask why worry about straws? Because we can!

Homelessness and drug addiction leading to a bunch of people shitting all over the streets of Los Angeles and San Francisco are too big of problems. We can’t do anything about that. But we can ban straws! And so we did.

I think Gavin Newsom is an amazing leader and he should be president of the United States. He’s done such a great job everywhere he’s been in charge.

Sure, he’s presiding over the resurgence of the Bubonic plague, a disease that wiped out 1/3 of the European population in the Medieval Ages but, hey, he’s so dreamy.

That’s why I say Thank God—or generic celestial life force—that California banned straws finally!


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