WASHINGTON, DC—The Biden Health and Human Services Department is giving away free face masks with holes cut out in a major public health measure to allow Americans to keep smoking crack and be safe during the COVID-19 crisis.

“Our number one concern is keeping people safe and healthy during this pandemic,” HHS Deputy Secretary Rachel Levine said at a press conference announcing the new federal handout. “That’s why we are giving away free face masks with holes in them so that people can continue smoking cigarettes and crack or whatever else they smoke all while obeying our face mask orders.”

The face masks, which President* Joe Biden has ordered that people keep wearing in public, are fitted with small holes in the mouth area to allow easy access for cigarettes, crack pipes, or even non-plastic straws to drink the CDC COVID Kool-Aid.

“We understand that the people who think face masks actually do anything are also likely to smoke crack on a regular basis, so, we’re meeting our constituents’ needs,” Levine said.

“Many people have questioned the safety of a face mask with a hole in the mouth area, they are anti-science science deniers,” Levine said. “Masks don’t really help so the holes don’t really hurt. See?”

The HHS is also releasing a designer line of tin foil face masks that they will sell. These designer face masks will also have a crack pipe hole in them.

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