WASHINGTON DC—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden is furious after realizing his microwave is nothing but a foghorn-blowin’ trolley jumper.

“I pushed the popcorn button and waited three minutes fifteen seconds looking in the machine right up to it,” Biden said through his interpreter, “and after it was done, my face was melted off and there wasn’t any popcorn! What a piece of junk!”

Biden decided to take a break from his COVID shelter in the basement to come up for some popcorn, but was disappointed by his microwave oven’s performance.

“I mean, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t expect it to beam up my old buddy Corn Pop, you liver-spotted deuce of diamonds. I just wanted popcorn. It’s 20—what the hell year is it?” Biden asked.

Since the incident, Biden has promised to make false advertising on microwaves punishable by death.

“You jackknifed the wrong turnip truck, ya diesel-pumpin’ pony-soldier,” Biden added.

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