Local man goes to church and instantly owns a million libs

Jonathan Johnson had had enough. After spending a typical Sunday morning sitting on his couch while watching liberal mayors and governors all over the nation restrict the rights of Americans to go to church, he decided it was time to take action. Rather than sit around lazily all day while the world passed him by, Mr. Johnson went upstairs, put on a suit, walked out his door, and drove to church. Upon arriving, he could literally hear high pitched screeching from the surrounding area. The liberals were furious. Why run a city, they decided, if you can’t restrict the rights of your neighbors?

Jonathan was so energized by the liberal wailing and gnashing of teeth that he went right into his parish, lit a prayer candle, and prayed before Mass. This transgressive act agitated the liberals so badly the cried until the town flooded with lib tears. Mr. Johnson was electrified. Never, did he imagine, owning the libs could be as easy as just going to church and saying some prayers.

Rumor has it Jonathan Johnson goes to church everyday now, and the libs are perpetually enraged. I asked Mr. Johnson what advice he has for his fellow patriotic conservative friends and he said, “Want to own the libs? Then go to church. Want to infuriate the libs? Then get married to a good woman. And want to finally destroy the libs? Then have kids. They’ll never recover.”

That is some fine advice.


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