WASHINGTON, DC—In what many are hailing as nothing short of a miracle, President Biden signed an executive order today banning all viruses and diseases on Earth.

“No one ever believed such a day would come,” Biden said. “All I did was issue this executive order and as if by magic, all viruses and diseases suddenly disappeared from the Earth. I can even remember being elected president, what on Earth I was doing in an oval office, and where I put my weekly pill organizer. It’s a miracle!”

Biden kept his face mask on well after he signed the order “just in case”.

The teacher’s unions were reportedly unhappy with the move, since they’ll no longer have any legitimate reasons why children shouldn’t return to school again. But we wouldn’t put anything pass them.

Seeing the effectiveness of executive orders, Biden was just about to pass another EO banning world hunger when he suddenly became very hungry and ran to the kitchen for lunch, eventually forgetting about the matter altogether.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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