WASHINGTON, DC—President Joe Biden gave a speech today about the importance of objective reporting in a democratic society, and how reporters are supposed to hold government officials accountable. That was all fine and dandy until the end of his speech when he addressed the White House Press Corps and said that, “If you question me, you ain’t a journalist.”

The remark elicited positive reactions from many journalists. CNN reporter Brian Stelter noted ‘how refreshing’ it was to hear that from the White House. “How refreshing,” Stelter said after reflecting on the monumental baldness of his head. “The last four years were brutal because I actually had to do all this journalisming stuff and it was rough, let me tell you. But now we get to cheerlead for Biden all day and every day, and I can still pretend to be a journalist to the six remaining people who still watch my show. What a relief!”  

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd also agreed with Biden’s remark. “I’ve always been an objective reporter,” Todd said on his show. “When Trump was president, I looked at things objectively and said he was objectively Hitler. Now I’m looking at Biden objectively and I’ll tell you – he’s objectively a really nice guy who shouldn’t be subjected to hard questions from the press.” Todd concluded his show by stating that he’ll reawaken his ‘inner journalisming’ upon the return of a Republican to the White House.

It was later reported that going forward, the Biden administration will require all White House reporters to dress up as clapping seals for the next four years.

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Rafi Metz

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