WASHINGTON DC—In January of 1961, John F. Kennedy, became the first Catholic President of the United States. Now, sixty years on, in January of 2021, Joe Biden believes he will become the second.
As a Democrat, Kennedy had lived a life of extreme debauchery, but, as a man of his times, he kept it within the bounds of his personal life, governing mostly according to sound moral principles and the rule of law.
Biden, however, is a man of his own times, and he’s intent on bringing the Democrat Party into the open as the party of Satan, enshrining corruption in every aspect of his administration, which promises to be the most pro-death administration in the history of the entire world.
“In short,” says a spokesperson for the campaign, “Joe Biden sold his soul to the devil a long time ago.”
But, Biden’s worship of the devil puts him at odds with some of his fellow Catholics who see a contradiction between devil worship and Christianity. As a devil worshipper, the presumptive president-elect opposes things like religious freedom, conscientious objection to morally repugnant government mandates, free speech, and free assembly. These are all important issues for most of his fellow Catholics. Likewise, Biden favors such things as abortion, gender theory, same-sex-marriage, critical race theory, contraception, euthanasia, Marxism, and totalitarian governmental control, all of which are explicitly condemned in Catholic moral teaching.
Some Catholics see things differently, however, and argue that worship of the devil is one issue that has to be weighed proportionately against others. According to Cardinal Archbishop of Washington, Wilton D. Gregory, for example, when all things are considered in context, there are points on which Catholics can agree to disagree, but Biden comes through on the things that really matter, like man-made climate change and open borders.
“No earthly leader will ever be perfect,” Gregory explained, “so it would be wrong to withhold support from Biden because of a few personal failings or a litany of diabolical programs absolutely anathema to the Catholic faith. Biden may have sold his soul the devil for political gain, but his heart is certainly in the right place, and if he presented himself for Communion in the Catholic Church, I certainly wouldn’t deny him.”
When asked whether he thought it was possible for anyone to do anything to warrant his withholding Communion, Gregory responded, “Sure. You could be an orange-skinned racist who enacts policies improving the socio-economic conditions of people of every color and creed, who gets upset when mostly peaceful protesters burn down a church, inspiring him to pose in front of its smoldering ruins with a Bible and then pray at a shrine devoted to Pope St. John Paul II before blasphemously signing an executive order to tie protection of religious freedom to foreign policy—something Pope Francis carefully refused to do in the case of China when he signed the Church over to the control of the Communist Party. If there were a Catholic president like that, I would have to deny him Communion.”