BREAKING: Biden cures COVID

(CNN) WASHINGTON, DC—Just days after President* Joe Biden cured cancer, Biden has also cured COVID.

“You know, we were so successful in curing cancer by changing the definition, we said, why not cure COVID too?” Biden said in a speech he gave following the announcement. “It’s the same way we fixed the recession.”

Biden made it clear that the emergency and all the emergency authorizations associated with it would not end. The government would still have the authority to force people to take untested pharmaceuticals but the move gives Biden a huge win with the upcoming midterm elections.

“We saw the polls and the polls said that people don’t like the pandemic, so we changed the definition of pandemic and voila—poof—it’s gone!” Biden said.

Nearly 400 people a day continue to die from COVID-19 in the United States, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Propagation (CDC). But those will be reclassified as “deaths by white supremacy” according to a White House spokesperson.

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