WASHINGTON, DC—In response to the Ted Cruz scandal plaguing the nation, President Biden signed an executive order deporting all Republicans to Cancún, Mexico.

“After hearing that Ted Cruz left Texas in the middle of a state-wide emergency, I said to myself, ‘C’mon man!’,” Biden said. “How can you leave for vacation when your constituents are living without electricity, water and other basic necessities – and above all, deny the obvious effects of climate change?

“These are the consequences of Republican governance in this country, and it has to stop. I’ve therefore signed an executive order calling for the immediate deportation of all Republicans to Cancún, Mexico. That’ll teach ’em a lesson.”

Sen. Ted Cruz was delighted by Biden’s announcement. “I’m glad I can finish my vacation,” Cruz said. “Now I don’t have to make any excuses for why I left home in the middle of a major crisis, and my daughters are off the hook.”

Asked whether he’ll ever attempt to return to the United States, the senator assured everyone he’ll “circle back.”

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Rafi Metz

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