BREAKING: CIA fires Trump would-be assassin Routh for failing mission
In a shocking turn of events, the CIA has officially pulled the plug on its notorious “Trump Sniper Program” after a string of embarrassingly poor performances. “It’s been a real headache,” admitted CIA spokesperson Nev R. Trumper. “We’ve spent millions on recruitment and training, but apparently, hitting a target that moves slowly between golf carts isn’t as easy as it sounds.”
The decision comes after two failed attempts to, as one agent put it, “neutralize the situation.” Both operations were carried out with the precision of a high school production of Hamilton. “We’re 0 for 2, and that’s just unacceptable in the deep state game,” Trumper continued, visibly frustrated. “It’s time to regroup and rethink how to do this whole shadowy assassination thing.”
With snipers proving as useful as a screen door on a submarine, the CIA is now reportedly considering other options. Rumors of covert banana peels and “accidental” loose stairs at Trump Tower have been floated, but nothing has been confirmed. “We’re thinking outside the box now—maybe get him into one of those shark cages and ‘forget’ to close the door,” Trumper said, brainstorming in real-time.
Amidst the turmoil, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has stepped up in a heroic offer of service, volunteering to be Trump’s official food taster. “I’ve been training for this my whole life,” Christie proudly declared, already half-way through a plate of Big Macs. “No one tastes food like I do—just ask New Jersey’s finest buffets. I’ll gladly sacrifice myself to prevent this president from being poisoned… and if I happen to sample a little extra for quality control, well, that’s just part of the job.”
The CIA’s sniper debacle has left the deep state in a bind. “Look, we didn’t think it would be this hard,” Trumper lamented. “You know how many times we’ve nailed dictators from a mile away? And we can’t even hit a guy who practically advertises his location every morning on Truth Social.”
As the deep state scrambles for its next move, one thing is certain: Trump is proving to be a much harder nut to crack than expected. “Maybe we just give him some bad legal advice and hope for the best,” said an unnamed source. “I hear Rudy Giuliani is still looking for work.”
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