After flubbing a massive $2 trillion stimulus bill intended to save the economy from the mess that they created with the coronavirus crisis, Congress has been issued a permanent stay-at-home order for the safety of the country.

“We felt that during this time and forever that Congress is a threat to society and must be sent home in perpetuity,” Roanoke, Virginia resident Johnny Q. Publick said in a press conference announcing the decision.

The order requires each member of the House and the Senate to stay at home for the duration of their lives and not to attempt to leave for any reason, especially not to vote for more “stimulus”.

The stimulus package carved out hundreds of billions of dollars for special interest groups and industries affected by the coronavirus shutdown imposed by governments across the country. The stimulus was meant to save jobs, but several recipients of aid laid off workers immediately upon receiving billions in taxpayer money.

Citizens were furious that they were only going to receive $1,200 per person while Congress gave themselves $40,000 each to get them through the trying ordeal of frivolously spending other people’s money.

“And these slimeballs aren’t going to telephonically vote to further put us in debt for their lobbyists interests either. We’re taking away their phones with this order too,” Publick added.

Congresspeople such as democratic socialist Bernie Sanders would be forced to pick one of his multiple homes to stay put for the rest of his life.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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