BREAKING: Democrats and Republicans agree to give you some of your money

WASHINGTON —  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Treasury Secretary Steven T. Mnuchin reached a deal Friday on an economic stimulus package to address the manufactured coronavirus epidemic, and agreed to give you some of your money.

Pelosi announced the agreement Friday evening, not long after President Trump trashed it at an afternoon news conference.

“We are proud to have reached an agreement with the administration to resolve outstanding challenges, and now will soon pass the Coronavirus Response Act Package (CRAP) bill and give the American people back some of their future hard-earned money,” she wrote in a letter to colleagues late Friday.

The bill includes $454 billion for the Treasury department’s closest friends, $280 billion in funding for healthcare special interests, $46 billion for airlines, $50 for the Small Business Administration, billions for hotels and restaurants, $7 billion for a really good cup of coffee for each hardworking congressperson, and a couple bucks for each American family.

“We closed down the economy over an irrational fear of a bad cold,” Pelosi said, “and that affected millions of people. The least we could do is throw you poor people we ruined a bone or two.”

“Every American man, woman, and child will gain about $24,000 more in debt. I’m extremely proud to be able work hard in a bipartisan manner to them a little bit of that back,” she added.