WASHINGTON DC—Democratic lawmakers met today in an “emergency” meeting in order to arrange and pass a bill through both the house and senate. Dubbed the “Bring Back Ginsburg” bill, the Democrats have successfully decriminalized necromancy in order to bring back Ruth Bader Ginsburg from the dead.
“It had to be done,” said House Speaker Nancy ‘Hair Salons Are Tricky’ Pelosi, “We had to stop the Republicans and Trump from rapidly appointing a new court justice before the election.”
We asked Nancy if she would feel the same way should a liberal court justice be appointed, to which she declined to comment and had her security guards escort us out of the building.
In spite of not having a majority of senators, the Democrats were able to put their law into action via an obscure loophole which required the following conditions: 1. Democracy must be on the line 2. It must be an election year and this must be the most important election in American history 3. The Republicans must be about to take a majority of the SCOTUS 4. Obama must think it’s a good idea.
We asked Senator Schumer about the loophole. “Oh, the loophole that helped us bring back Ruth? It was necessary, and entirely required. And yes, it’s an old law that goes back to Madison’s presidency, definitely not one of the riders within the Obamacare law.”
Moments ago, Ruth was brought back to us as a zombie. She can only claw, bite, and walk slowly but lawmakers are optimistic that this will soon improve! For her time on the bench, Ruth will serve in a straight jacket and muzzle, both hidden underneath her SCOTUS robe.
So far, only one intern has been eaten by Ruth. Said intern for some reason, was also wearing a red shirt.
According to a poll of loyal Democratic voters, 90 percent of these constituents are in favor of bringing back Ruth and sighted reasons as “democracy is on the line” and “we can’t let the Republicans win.” When asked what the Democrats had done to help these individuals, we did not receive an answer, but the Democratic voters promised us that they would get back to us soon.
Critics of the bill have sighted the Bible as a clear indication that necromancy is a bad idea. Democrats have already labeled these people as unpatriotic, treasonous, and non-progressive.
No word yet on who else the Democrats will resurrect as a zombie.