Trump Orders Cassidy and Cornyn to Don Three Stooges Wigs As Warning to Fellow RINOs
WASHINGTON — In a move described by White House officials as “long overdue accountability theater,” President Donald Trump has directed Senators Bill Cassidy (R-LA) and John Cornyn (R-TX) to don full Three Stooges wigs for the duration of their Senate terms as an official warning to other Republican In Name Only (RINO) members.
The presidential directive, issued via executive memorandum titled “Operation Curly, Larry, and Moe,” requires the senators to appear in the curly, bowl-cut, and friar styles respectively during all floor proceedings, committee hearings, and constituent meetings. White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the wigs are government-issued and “tastefully labeled with small ‘Property of the RNC’ tags for traceability.”
As Senator Cassidy prepares to conclude his final term, he announced the launch of a new medical venture with Dr. Jill Biden.
Speaking at a joint press event Tuesday, the Louisiana Republican expressed visible enthusiasm for the partnership.
“Our practice will focus on the permanent attachment of ‘Stooge’ wigs so voters will always remember them as useful idiots,” Cassidy stated, adjusting his own wig, which had momentarily slipped during a vigorous head nod.
The clinic, named StoogeLock™ Permanent Follicle Solutions, already reports a robust patient list that includes Rep. Lauren Boebert, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, ex-Ohio Congressman Anthony Gonzalez, former Rep. Adam Kinzinger, and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, among others identified by administration officials as “repeat offenders in need of visual rehabilitation.”
“We are proud to announce this clinic is 100% financed by the Democratic National Committee,” added Dr. Biden, who appeared momentarily before excusing herself as her husband, former President Joe Biden, required what aides described only as “routine maintenance” following another reported oopsy in his adult undergarment.
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer issued a statement praising the bipartisan spirit of the initiative while suggesting the wigs be expanded to all members “for equity purposes.”
Senator Cornyn, for his part, declined comment but was observed practicing synchronized eye-poking gestures with staffers in a Capitol hallway.
Trump campaign advisors indicated the wig mandate is part of a broader platform promising “visual governance” reforms, including potential pie-throwing protocols for filibusters and seltzer-bottle discipline for appropriations bills.
Political analysts described the development as “consistent with the current timeline,” while noting that wig compliance will be monitored via C-SPAN footage and constituent selfies. Non-compliant senators reportedly face escalation to full slapstick protocols at the president’s discretion.
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