Breaking: Fed-up Catholic throws Billy Idol into Tiber

It all started in a Vatican prayer garden where a service was held that reached its crescendo at participants bowing to the 80’s rock icon Billy Idol. Photos quickly leaked of the Pope observing this bizarre exhibition of something akin to hairband liturgy.

Following the strange gathering was a misinformation campaign from various participants and Vatican spokespeople each offering their own account of what appeared to be Idol idolatry. One said Billy Idol represented mother earth, while another claimed he symbolized the cosmic rockstar embedded within us all, still another suggested the bowing and other liturgical acts were simply an outward acknowledgment of Idol’s ‘inner-tabernacle housing the Blessed Virgin Mother.’

As of today, nobody really knows what the bowing and other yogic contortions participants were engaged in towards Billy Idol was really all about. The scandal intensified when Billy Idol was given a place of refuge in various churches throughout Italy, which prompted two angry Italian men to arouse him from his slumber and toss him into the Tiber river.

This infuriated the Vatican, and now they all finally seem to agree on the meaning here. The liberation theologians, who sanctioned the event, are suddenly infuriated by the clear breach of property rights on display in this act of Billy Idol iconoclasm. Call it theft if you want, but hearing a bunch of communists chirping on about property rights seems to be a win in and of itself.