After last night’s cryptic vow of a “surprise the world will remember for centuries,” Iran revealed today that the big moment is a colossal nationwide kebab festival launching this afternoon. Dubbed “Operation Saffron Skewer,” the event aims to fire up global appetites, but early reports suggest it’s already grilling under pressure.

The plan, unveiled in a hastily arranged press conference, involves 15,000 kebab grills blazing simultaneously across Iran, with street dancers tossing flaming skewers and a livestreamed attempt to build the world’s longest shish taouk. Free kebabs are promised to anyone who can name three Persian spices without sneezing from sumac. “This is our gift to humanity—grilled perfection,” beamed an official, waving a skewer like a conductor’s baton. “We’re starting today to show the world with flavor!”

Last night’s ominous tease on state TV had sparked panic and conspiracy theories, from EMP-powered pita bombs to a shock Persian reality TV crossover. Instead, as the festival stumbles out the gate—reports cite missing grills and a drone show stuck on “Happy Birthday” mode—social media users have unleashed a torrent of memes, with one joking, “Iran’s surprise is attacking my waistline with extra tahdig.”

Israel, braced for conflict, offered a playful jab: “Missiles we can handle, but flaming kebabs? Our Iron Dome’s not ready for that.” As Tehran’s streets fill with the scent of sizzling lamb, hiccups abound: half the naan is stale, and a “saffron mascot” has gone AWOL. Still, Iran insists the festival will sear itself into history by dinner.

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