BREAKING: Mayorkas splurges on border wall materials he gave away when walls were evil

THE BORDER—In a stunning twist of events at the U.S.-Mexico border, Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas has paid billions for border wall materials he gave away for free back when walls were evil.

It all started when President* Joe Biden issued an executive order to halt construction on the border wall and begin the process of dismantling portions of it. Mayorkas, ever the enterprising figure, saw an opportunity amidst the crumbling concrete and steel.

In a secret late-night auction held at the border, Mayorkas sold off sections of the border wall for prices that could only be described as ludicrously low. These prices drew in buyers from around the world, including enthusiastic anti-border-wall liberals looking for a solid personal wall to keep vagrants off their properties.

However, this was all part of Mayorkas’s master plan. As soon as the last section was sold, he announced a new initiative to repurchase the very same materials at significantly inflated prices. His rationale? To repurpose the materials for various DHS projects, including upgrading border security and building fortified taco stands for the border patrol.

Mayorkas’s financial ingenuity did not stop there. He even managed to negotiate a deal with Mexican officials to buy portions of the wall that they had bought per former President Trump’s order. The deal reportedly includes a clause where the U.S. will pay for any future graffiti removal or maintenance costs.

“This was all Trump’s. He only wanted to spend $5 billion on the border wall. We are going to spend $500 billion on the same wall because we care more,” Mayorkas said.

The financial world was taken by surprise when Mayorkas’s Wall Street scheme was unveiled. Hedge fund managers, stockbrokers, and even cryptocurrency enthusiasts marveled at his ability to transform government materials into a lucrative investment opportunity.

Critics argue that this entire endeavor amounts to nothing more than a shell game, with Mayorkas orchestrating a high-stakes financial circus. But supporters insist that he’s simply demonstrating the creative thinking and financial wizardry that’s desperately needed in today’s economy.

While the debate over Mayorkas’s border wall material flip continues, one thing is certain: he’s managed to turn a rusty, divisive issue into a dazzling display of financial showmanship that could leave even Wall Street titans questioning their investment strategies.