BREAKING: Mostly peaceful Hamas fires mostly peaceful rockets into Israel

(CNN) ISRAEL—The mostly peaceful terrorist organization Hamas has fired a number of mostly peaceful rockets toward Jerusalem today, setting off air raid sirens throughout the city and surrounding neighborhoods. It’s a major escalation of conflict amid an outbreak of violence between the mostly peaceful Palestinians and Israelis in recent weeks.

Hamas has been trying to rebrand itself as a mostly peaceful organization, taking its cues from other mostly peaceful organizations like Antifa and Black Lives Matter. They’ve started engraving the words “mostly peaceful” onto the rockets they shoot into Israel. They’re also requiring their mostly peaceful members to sing “Kumbaya” before murdering innocent Israelis.

“It’s amazing how rebranding ourselves gets us tons of accolades from the American media,” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri said, while staring at a portrait of Osama bin Laden. “We could say we’re dedicated to the mostly peaceful annihilation of Israel and the media will gobble it up in minutes, regurgitating every talking-point we throw at them. Keep up the great work, American infidels.”

Mostly peaceful Iran congratulated mostly peaceful Hamas for its mostly peaceful attacks on never peaceful Israel.


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