BREAKING: National touring company has canceled upcoming ‘Cats’ performance in Springfield, Ohio
SPRINGFIELD, OH—In an unprecedented move, the National Touring Company of Cats has canceled its much-anticipated performance in Springfield, Ohio, citing “unforeseen circumstances.” Reports of Haitian migrants allegedly eating pets in the area were apparently enough to spook the show’s producers into pulling the plug.
“We’re devastated to cancel,” said a visibly shaken Cats spokesperson. “But with these unsettling reports of local pets going missing, we just couldn’t, in good conscience, bring a show that celebrates the whimsical nature of felines to a community that seems to view them as… appetizers.”
The decision comes amid growing concerns that the city’s feline population is rapidly dwindling, and local officials are scrambling to address the crisis. “We’ve had several reports of missing pets,” said Springfield Mayor Jim Pawlowski, “and it seems the recent influx of Haitian migrants may be connected. We want to be clear, though: this is not about immigration. It’s about safety—for pets.”
The Springfield theater-goers, who had been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the iconic Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, expressed mixed reactions to the news.
“I mean, I was really looking forward to seeing ‘Memory’ live,” said longtime Cats fan and cat owner, Karen Whiskers, while nervously clutching her tabby, Mr. Mittens. “But honestly, after hearing what’s been happening to the neighborhood strays… maybe it’s for the best.”
In a statement released by Springfield’s Office of Public Safety, residents were encouraged to “keep pets indoors” and “avoid feeding strange, roaming bands of people in alleyways, regardless of how hungry they look.”
Vice President Kamala Harris issued a statement, saying that “If you don’t let Haitian migrants eat people dressed like cats, you may be a racist bigot.”
While some have called the move “excessive” and accused the touring company of overreacting, others in the community are relieved. “Honestly, Cats has always been a little creepy to me,” said local dog owner Terry Barker. “Now, I guess I was right to be suspicious.”
Springfield residents, pet owners, and Cats enthusiasts will have to wait indefinitely for a rescheduled performance, but officials assure the public that every effort is being made to “curb the appetite” for local pets.
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