Washington DC—After months of growing trade tensions between the US and China leading to an impending global recession, along with mounting strife in China’s Hong Kong province prompting dissidents to wave American flags, US President Donald Trump has negotiated quite possibly the biggest deal of his life.

The US will trade the Oregon city of Portland and the surrounding areas for Hong Kong in a flat exchange.

“Basically everyone in Portland wants to be commies and Hong Kong wants to be free, so we did what we call a win-win-win and traded the two in a tremendous deal,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the unprecedented deal.

Markets responded with a complete turnaround from recent declines and posted record numbers.

Portlanders and Hong Kongers were dancing in their respective streets—Portlanders happy about the 1-child-only policy and being run by the Communist Party finally!—and Hong Kong happy about being part of the free world once again.

“This is an amazing day for everyone involved. Everyone should really be happy about this!”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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