PORTLAND—President Donald Trump has had enough of the Portland protesters, making loud noises and destroying stuff. He is sending in several parents of toddlers to negotiate and hopefully end the standoff.
“There’s no one on Earth who better knows how to handle these people,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the mission. “Parents of toddlers have been through everything and the understand the complete irrationality of people like the Portland protesters.”
The parents, who come from all across the country signed up to negotiate with Portland Antifa and Black Lives Matters protesters after their moms dropped them off to throw a tantrum near the federal courthouse for over 60 days.
“I’ve heard the most illogical arguments, suffered hours of crying and screaming about absolutely nothing, and had to deal with the worst poopy messes for years. I can handle anything!” Jill Sorensen of Marieta, Georgia said.
“These are the best negotiators we have,” Trump said, praising the parents. “They know how to handle overgrown toddlers. Finally they’re going to get paid for their invaluable skills!”
Trump said that the parents will have many tools in their arsenal including raised eyebrows and time out.
“I have a full time job and two kids under three,” Sorensen added. “I don’t have time for this, but I really feel if I can serve my country by putting some kids in time out, it’s worth it.”