AUSTIN—In a move that’s equal parts genius and gloriously unhinged, Elon Musk has once again turned disaster into dollar signs, announcing Tesla’s bold new lineup: the Tesla “Original” and the Tesla “Extra Crispy.” The latter, a limited-edition offering, consists of vehicles salvaged from spontaneous combustion incidents—now rebranded as a “feature, not a flaw.” Priced at a cool $69,420, the Extra Crispy comes pre-toasted with a smoky finish, marketed as “the ultimate ride for those who like it hot.”

“People said, ‘Elon, your cars keep catching fire!’ I said, ‘Perfect—let’s lean into it,’” Musk declared at a press conference held in a Tesla Gigafactory surrounded by fire extinguishers and a suspiciously large pile of lemons. “We’re not just selling cars; we’re selling a vibe. Extra Crispy is for the bold, the daring, the folks who don’t mind a little char on their commute.” The announcement came with a viral X post: “When life gives you flaming Teslas, make Extra Crispy. Genius level: over 9000.”

The move has predictably sent Democrats into a tailspin of performative outrage, with party operatives vowing to sabotage Musk’s crispy cash cow by any means necessary. Leading the charge is self-proclaimed AntiFa “rebel” Inza Reckshin, who stormed a Tesla showroom in Portland wielding a can of spray paint and a dream. “Let’s see Musk try to sell a swastika Tesla!” Reckshin shouted, defacing a Cybertruck with what she called “a symbol of resistance”—though onlookers noted it looked more like a sloppy tic-tac-toe board. “This is about justice, not joyrides!” she added, before tripping over a Molotov cocktail she swore wasn’t hers.

Undeterred, Musk has reportedly tapped an unlikely ally to counter the vandalism: Hunter Biden, the First Son turned avant-garde artist, whose resume includes finger-painting with crack residue and selling “abstract” canvases for six figures. “Hunter’s got a vision,” Musk tweeted. “We’re turning those swastikas into something marketable—think peace signs with an edge, or maybe a cool tribal tat vibe. Art meets engineering, baby!” Early sketches leaked on X show a swastika morphed into a psychedelic spiral, captioned: “Tolerance, but make it profitable.”

Democrat strategist R. Sinist, sporting a “Co-Exist” bumper sticker on his Prius, tried to spin the chaos into a progressive win. “We’re the party of tolerance, okay? These burning Teslas are mostly peaceful protests against capitalism,” he insisted to a skeptical press corps. “Plus, those hot flames really keep those homeless immigrants warm on a cold wintry night—sustainability in action!” When pressed on why Democrats were defacing cars instead of, say, passing legislation, Sinist shrugged. “Spray paint’s cheaper than a filibuster.”

Meanwhile, Tesla’s “Original” model—a standard, non-flammable option for the faint of heart—has been overshadowed by its crispy cousin, with buyers clamoring for the singed aesthetic. “I drove my Extra Crispy through a Starbucks drive-thru, and everyone thought I was a badass,” gushed early adopter Chad Blaze, 32, who paid extra for the “Smoldering Leather” interior upgrade. “It’s like Mad Max meets Silicon Valley—what’s not to love?”

Critics, however, aren’t buying the hype. “This is peak Musk absurdity,” fumed Senator Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., waving a charred Tesla owner’s manual on the Senate floor. “He’s profiting off failure while we’re trying to save democracy with tasteful graffiti!” Others pointed out the irony of Democrats decrying Musk’s ingenuity while their “swastika strategy” backfired, boosting Tesla’s stock 15% as X users dubbed the controversy “the ultimate meme war.”

As the saga unfolds, Musk remains unfazed, teasing a potential “Extra Extra Crispy” edition for 2026—complete with flame decals and a built-in fire pit. “Haters gonna hate, but winners innovate,” he quipped, sipping a lemonade suspiciously sourced from the Gigafactory lemon pile. With Hunter Biden already pitching a “Burning Man Edition” collab, one thing’s clear: Tesla’s latest stunt has turned a PR nightmare into a crispy, chaotic goldmine—and the Democrats’ spray cans can’t keep up.

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