Mayor Pete is on a roll. Well, not really a roll but looks like he won the first Democrat primary by a slim margin. The question on everyone’s mind, however, was not his margin of victory but why didn’t he receive 100% of all votes cast?
Genesius Times’s gay rights reporter, Loveme Hindquarter, thinks he may have found the answer in an e-mail from LGBTQ headquarters located in Gay West Florida.
“Dear Sweetbuns, we here at Geadquarters, have been sorely disappointed by recent appearances on the Campaign Trail. Sure you present your somewhat gay husband everywhere you go. Sure you basically have sex right on the stage; which is great I might add. Of course your [sic] gorgeous and fabulous. But your speech patterns, hand gestures and gait are simply not gay enough.
“We are going to strongly recommend you begin speech therapy immediately to sound more gay. Start with sibilant S’s then move on to upping your voice at the end of each sentence in tune with Valleyspeak.
“And we’ve just gotta get you into a gait clinic somewhere. I mean really. Honey, you just gotta learn how to swish. Fahgodskes sweetie, make an appointment now. Get you some gay lessons.
“And your hand gestures? You need to limp up your wrists a whole lot more. I mean babydoll, you look like John Wayne up there. Just sayin’. Call me.”