Buttigieg wants to replace ‘bigoted, patriarchal’ standard alphabet with gay one

Pete Buttigieg has spent some time thinking on how to strengthen the intersectional structures largely absent in the lives of normal everyday purple-haired-pansexual-self-identified-cat-people. He believes that, if he becomes president, he can usher in the anti-cis-heteronormative renaissance.

“Thinking about heteronormative cis-structures that run rampant in today’s society, the kind that indoctrinates children into a world of patriarchal subjugation, it occurred to me how their first lessons in these power dynamics happen. Self-righteous, gay-hating, anti-feminist teachers since the early Christian empires have used the standard alphabet to suppress the homosexual aspirations of our anti-racist children. Furthermore, they entrap the beautiful rainbow wills of their bright adolescents and practically force them into hetero-monogamy, thus never allowing these dazzling souls to discover the lovely world of polyamorous unicorn drag. This must stop!”

Buttigieg then advanced an education agenda that he feels certain will unleash the muzzled gayness of all the nation’s children. His campaign manager unveiled it during a town hall meeting. After careful deliberation with the nation’s progressive teachers, Mayor Pete has come to the conclusion that if we are to maximize the gayness of American kids then we must start by abolishing the standard alphabet and replace it with the ever-expanding gay one.

Even ten years ago, this could not have even been considered since the gay alphabet contained only four dreary letters. There is no conceivable way to teach children literacy from that insubstantial letter bank, but as progress is made and more letters are added to the LGBTQRSTUVAZB+++ acronym, the much more progressive alphabet has become a beautiful (and inclusive) education option.

That’s right, no more indoctrination by the patriarchy. Insisting on white knuckling their fixation on boring traditional gender roles and monogamy. Now we can do the indoctrinatin’ if only you, my wonderful reader, will cast a vote for Mayor Pete.