Everyone already knows that Columbus was a literal Hitler from the 15th century and that all woke people celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day instead. But what you may not know is that there is a proper way to celebrate the holiday.

It shouldn’t have to be said but if you celebrate IPD by getting drunk and wearing a mariachi hat, you’re doing it wrong. Save that noise for fake indigenous holidays like Cinco de Mayo.

You could raze your city to the ground if it’s named after a colonizer, but the real way to celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day is by sacrificing one of your neighbors, preferably someone deep in debt and no prospects of paying it off (eg college grad with a gender studies degree).

California cities will be setting the bar high this year with Governor Gavin Newsom acting as chief priest doing the majority of the slaying.

“Human sacrifice is nothing new to me,” Gov. Newsom, who is a ardent supporter of Planned Parenthood, said. “I’m just new to wearing all that feather headdress stuff.”

While most Aztec sacrifices were made to the god of war, woke Californians will be sacrificing these poor saps to the climate god. There will be icons of Greta Thunberg surrounding the altar.

_{Originally published October 11, 2019.}

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