New ‘free speech’ theater opens in Portland: patrons can yell ‘FIRE!’ if they want
PORTLAND—A controversial new “free speech” theater opened in the thriving Portland arts district last night, triggering protests by firefighters and...
Newsbeat
San Francisco police arrest peaceful shoplifter for not wearing a mask
SAN FRANCISCO—In a startling turn of events, the city of San Francisco has taken a bold step in its ongoing...
Deaf signer deliberately misquotes DeSantis: ‘Hurricanes make me super happy!’
FLORIDA—A deaf signer with ties to the Campaign To Re-Elect Joe Biden deliberately misquoted Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis during...
Homeless man ends WGA strike by mistakenly joining picket line: ‘Will work for food!’
HOLLYWOOD—Privileged writers and studio executives are celebrating today after a homeless man inadvertently ended the 100+ day strike between the...
Biden comforts Florida hurricane victims with harrowing story of a devastating fart that blew all of his classified documents around
In a surprising attempt at empathizing with hurricane-stricken Floridians, President Biden shared a harrowing tale that left many scratching their...
BREAKING: Hawaiians kinda wish a guy would come and toss paper towels at them or something!
In a desperate bid for some much-needed presidential attention, Hawaiians are expressing a heartfelt wish that their Commander-in-Chief, President* Biden,...
BREAKING: Joe Biden appoints Hunter Biden to lead investigation of Hunter Biden
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has appointed his son Hunter Biden to lead the investigation of Hunter Biden following revelations that...
Arsonist changes name to ‘Climate Change’ so that people can say Climate Change causes wildfires
MAUI, HI—An arsonist who has started several fires in Hawaii, Oregon, and California has legally changed his name to "Climate...
Biden Department of Justice officially changes name to ‘Department of Just Us’
WASHINGTON, DC—The President* Biden Department of Justice has officially changed its name to the US Department of Just Us, according...
BREAKING: Obama chef Tafari Campbell’s death ruled as ‘climate change’
In a shocking turn of events, the tragic death of former and current President Barack Obama's chef Tafari Campbell has...
