BEIJING—Xi Jinping and all of his advisors have pinky-promised to lower their country’s emissions by the year 2069. The promise by China has been praised by climate change activists, NBA players, and gullible people.
“We are making every possible effort, using all of our workers, to reduce our carbon emissions,” said President Jinping while shoving styrofoam and tires into a nearby fire, “As sure as I resemble Winnie the Pooh do you have my word that we will do this!”
President Xi also seemed confident that everyone would remember the aforementioned pledge in the year 2069.
“It’s great what they’re doing to fight climate change,” said Pope Francis, “I have not heard of a more fitting task of the Chinese government than when they were added to the UN human rights council.”
Political analysts have claimed that in order to reduce carbon emissions China will use eminent domain when it sees fit, detain those who hinder progress, and assertively persuade prisoners to assist with labor. Some of the braver analysts describe these new policies of China as “business as usual.”
“I just do not understand the criticisms of the Chinese government,” said Lebron James, “this pledge is obviously proof that China only wants to help people.”
Fittingly for the year 2020, China took an unprecedented move and actually let us interview one of their political prisoners.
“The Chinese government means everything they say and I am in prison because I have done wrong,” said C.N. Barrs, who for some reason could not stop blinking while talking to us, “You can take their word for it on those carbon emissions.”
If we knew morse code we would have seen that Barrs’ constant blinking was the letters H-E-L-P in morse code but alas, we do not know the code.
We also interviewed the Dalai Lama and took hours of video footage and several hundred pages of interview transcripts. For some reason however, all of our video and transcripts went missing while we slept.
We at the Genesius Times, find no reason not to trust the Chinese government and their pledge to lower carbon emissions.