CLEVELAND—After an utter failure of moderator Chris Wallace to control the first presidential debate, organizers have replaced him with someone much more capable of handling modern politicians like Donald Trump and Joe Biden: a mother of three toddlers who’s been home with them throughout the coronavirus pandemic.

“We thought about bringing in an armed Samuel Jackson to set the candidates straight on time limits and what have you, but really felt that Karen Smith of Columbus, Ohio, was best suited to deal with the type of people in the debate.”

The first presidential debate consisted of incessant name-calling, bickering, and insults.

“I’m used to it all,” Smith said. “I have a 3-year-old and a 2-year-old so I’m prepared for anything that Trump or Biden can throw at me.”

Wallace, who has six older children, was clearly out of practice.

“All my kids are older now, so this type of behavior is alien to me. I just don’t know what to do with this stuff,” Wallace admitted.

“You think I won’t put you in time out? They will do as I say or I will put them in time out!” Karen explained sternly.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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