NEW YORK CITY—New York Governor Andrew Coumo has announced that he is taking responsibility for the COVID deaths in his states’ nursing homes. He then clarified that to mean he was taking responsibility to find the ‘real’ killer.

Deftly switching from two-finger to one-finger air quotes, Coumo stated, “Yeah, like I said before, I don’t trust our current so-called ‘experts’ so I’ve hired my own ‘real’ experts to find the ‘real’ killers responsible for all those deaths.”  

Although not mentioning the ‘real’ expert by name, most thought he looked familiar, particularly the shit-eating grin, like he got away with something.

Coumo, pointing at the ‘real’ expert then said, “This guy has done nothing but look for ‘real’ killers for over 25 years.” To which the ‘real’ expert interjected, “mostly.”

Coumo: “And before that, he worked in Buffalo for years so he knows the area and the kind of people I have to deal with every f***ing day, if you know what I mean.”

Asked why neither the governor nor the ‘real’ expert was wearing a mask, the ‘real’ expert, wearing what appeared to be medical garb, held up his gloved hands saying, “Gloves are the most important thing in fighting this disease. The key is getting gloves that shrink at least two sizes after they get ‘wet’.  It’s ‘science’.”  Using one-finger air quotes for both ’wet’ and ‘science’.

Coumo then announced he even had a back-up plan. Calling from a payphone about two blocks from where his office was parked, F. Lee Bailey confidently stated he could find the ‘real’ killer for just $3 million. 

Bailey said, “And get you – I mean them, off for ‘only’ $10 million. You know, like, Plan B.” 

It wasn’t clear if the call ended, was cutoff, or Bailey ran out of quarters. Coumo then said, ”Really, who cares?  Have you ever been to Buffalo?”  He then stood up, pointing at the press gallery and shouted, “So f**k you! And f**k your AG reports!” Storming off stage, he left the ‘real’ expert sitting there, looking as though he was ready to sign autographs.

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